battle lost?

i am done...................
i have lost a battle.. a battle against self..
i didn't realize that i was battling self.

asked to speak but i have nothing to say now.
questioned but i have nothing to ask.
i am emotionally drained but unsatiated.
Not restless but not at peace.

i thought it was a journey to discover the truth. i searched for truth, became evil to find truth, i asked for truth....fought for truth, made a fool of myself, did things i have ever done or would never do again.

TS Elliot said 'Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go.' i thought i was ready to go quite far for this journey because it was close to me.

i had not thought it would be an easy journey, especially with my own ego pitted against me. but hoped that as the journey progresses light would appear at the end of the tunnel. and i did see some streaks of very bright comforting light but some where along i lost the way or went into wrong directions, may be misguided. i ruffled some feathers on the way, some small and big ones, now i am deepest darknesses of the tunnel deeper than where i had started. the truth still evades me.

Was it because my means were wrong but weren't means justified for the right goals?

i give up...because i am in a dilemma, because i dont know what is right or wrong anymore, cant see what is the difference between truth and not. i am afraid of the injuries i have inflicted, the hurt i have caused, feel burdened by them. the guilt overrides my desire for truth......Also because i cant see my opponent [myself] suffering..i cant even recognize truth now.

or may be i am surrendering because i searched for truth in the wrong places, some wise men say it is inside me.


Every Warrior of the Light has felt afraid of going into battle.
Every Warrior of the Light has, at some time in the past, lied or betrayed someone.
Every Warrior of the Light has trodden a path that was not his.
Every Warrior of the Light has suffered for the most trivial of reasons. Every Warrior of the Light has, at least once, believed he was not a Warrior of the Light.
Every Warrior of the Light has failed in his spiritual duties.
Every Warrior of the Light has said 'yes' when he wanted to say 'no.'
Every Warrior of the Light has hurt someone he loved.
That is why he is a Warrior of the Light, because he has been through all this and yet has never lost hope of being better than he is.

~ Paulo Coelho,from Warrior of the Light